ShanghaiPRIDE presents Queer Talks #3: Asexuality

When: Sunday 3May2015 5:00pm
Where: Cambio Coffee – 861 Jiangning Lu near Haifang Lu
Entry: Free, RSVP [email protected]

What is Asexuality? 6 Myths and 1 definition.

Asexuality is a sexual orientation, like heterosexuality or homosexuality, but instead of being sexually attracted to men or women, asexual people are sexually attracted to no one. This doesn’t mean they all hate sex or avoid it, it just means they don’t find people sexually attractive.

So, you’re asexual. That means you can’t love anyone and are going to die alone, right?

Asexuality only means that a person does not experience sexual attraction. It doesn’t mean that they can’t fall in love. It doesn’t mean that they want to be alone forever. There have been asexual people who have fallen in love and gotten married.

But how can you fall in love with someone and not want to have sex with them?

Love and sex are different things. Appreciation of beauty and sex are different things. For many asexuals, they will experience romantic attraction without sexual attraction. And it’s not a temporary “Not tonight dear, I have a headache” type of thing. The interest just isn’t there.

Just like the different sexual orientations you’re probably already familiar with, there are multiple romantic orientations:

 Heteroromantic: Romantically attracted to the opposite sex/gender.
 Homoromantic: Romantically attracted to the same sex/gender.
 Biromantic/Panromantic: Romantically attracted to both/all sexes/genders.
 Aromantic: Romantically attracted to no one.

In some cases, a heteroromantic asexual might call themselves a “straight asexual” or a homoromantic ace might say they’re a “gay asexual” or “asexual lesbian”. Those terms are used as convenient shorthand, because saying the word “heteroromantic” is a mouthful and will probably get a confused blank stare from whoever you’re talking to. However, other asexuals will refuse to use those words to describe themselves.

In addition to romantic attraction, there’s aesthetic attraction, being attracted to the way someone looks. This may sound sexual in nature, but it is not. It’s more like the sense one gets looking at a beautiful landscape or a masterful painting, and there’s no sexual desire connected to it.

1. But isn’t “Asexuality” just a fancy-sounding word for “Celibacy”?
No, not at all. Celibacy and asexuality are two different concepts. Celibacy means someone doesn’t have sex. Asexuality means someone doesn’t have sexual attraction.

Here’s a handy-dandy cheat sheet for you:
 Celibacy: Not having sex for some reason.
 Abstinence: Choosing not to have sex for some reason.
 Asexuality: Not having sexual attraction. May or may not have sex.

2. Asexuals just haven’t met the right person yet.
This assertion offends many asexuals. They’ve seen thousands upon thousands of people in their life and have not been sexually attracted to any of them. This claim acts to invalidate and deny a part of their core identity.

3. Asexual people are just afraid of sex or are disgusted by sex.
Some asexuals are afraid of or are disgusted by sex. Some non-asexual people are, too. Such feelings are not tied to one’s sexual orientation. There are also many asexuals who are sex positive. They’ve had sex or are open to the idea of having sex in the right situation.

4. Asexual people are victims of some sexual trauma in their past.
The vast majority of asexual people have never had any kind of sexual trauma. Most asexuals will be highly offended by someone trying to pin their lack of sexual attraction on some sort of unspoken, possibly repressed event. And if they are victims of some past trauma, they’re generally not going to appreciate it when you bring it up and try to use it to invalidate their identity.

5. Asexuals are just faking it for attention.
How is someone who’s in the closet and agonizing over their identity “faking it for attention”? Most aces are in the closet or not very open about it precisely because they fear the sort of attention they’ll get.

6. Asexuals are really just gays in denial.

Adapted from Asexuality: Myths, Misconceptions and Other Things That Are Just Plain Wrong by Asexuality Archive.

~爱予未来 Love is Our Future~